Fearless Spirituality

I Am Not So Strange

2011-03-30T08:01:00.000-04:00

I was in a meditation class at Unity Village yesterday when I saw that the instructor had laid out foods for us to use during a class activity. I have taken this class before from another instructor, so I knew what was coming and I panicked a little. I don't eat sugar and I could tell that there was sugar in the cookie/cracker thing. My poor little brain immediately went to this monologue: "Oh God, here we go. Me and my food weirdness is going to stick out like a sore thumb. I'm on the end, maybe she won't notice that I'm not eating it. Great, now they're going to think the late girl is a total freak and wonder why they brought me here." And on and on. Yup, real spiritual conversation going on in my head there. Obviously, I didn't eat the sugary thing and focused on the fruit instead then steeled myself for having to explain why I don't eat sugar etc. Ugh!
I didn't. I didn't have to. I looked down the semi-circle and saw that 2 other women had not eaten their cookie things either. The woman at the far end explained that she was gluten-intolerant so no baked goods for her. And the other woman? She didn't explain at all. She just didn't eat it. When the woman between us asked "How can you resist?!" She just shrugged her shoulders with " I just don't", and offered the other woman her cookie. So I gave the cookie eater mine as well; she was thrilled. I was so impressed by and grateful for that woman who didn't eat the fruit or the cookie and didn't apologize for it.

So, it turns out I'm not so weird after all and I don't need to have any feelings about the way I deal with food issues. This episode reminded me of something a sponsor said to me repeatedly in my early recovery: "You don't have to explain and they don't have to understand". It was years before that really sunk in and I'm so grateful to have had this experience so that I could remember it.

Acceptance of Grief

2010-12-12T15:42:00.000-05:00

I think most of us are familiar with Kübler-Ross model regarding the stages of grief. There are studies and commentaries both supporting and criticizing the concept of stages in relation to the grieving process. Whether you believe in stages or not, I'm finding that it's more important for me to accept that I am grieving the loss of something or someone in my life than it is to get caught up in the stages or how to go through the process. My job is to accept that I am grieving and allow the process to happen in its own time and in its own way without judgement from me.

I love knowing what's going on, what's happening next, what to expect and when to expect it. I want to make a little 5-stage checklist, check my way through it in a pre-determined time allotment and go on with my life. Life has just not worked out that way for me; I don't get to control the how, when or what of the process. I'd love to be able to at least choose the "what" I'm grieving over but that hasn't happened yet. I have grieved the loss of things I think are silly like a favorite food and people that I think are undeserving of my grief such as someone that hurt me or that I didn't know very well. I can pretend not to grieve but that doesn't stop tears from falling, stomach aches or nightmares from occurring; the process is going to happen in my body and in my mind without any awareness on my part.

What always surprises me is the realization that I'm still in the grieving process after I think I'm done. I think I've come to a place of acceptance and I'm moving on from the loss of the relationship or job status or whatever and out of nowhere I get triggered by something on the calendar, a co-worker's comment or an email. I have found myself crying very briefly or becoming suddenly very tired or feel like I'm dragging for no reason. The great news is once I accept that there is grief, I can step back and observe my feelings and behavior. I usually discover that my current is less intense than I remember from months or even weeks earlier. And I don't need to change it or do anything about ym feelings - I just accept it and sit with it until it's gone.

Being Grateful for Things We Don't Like

2010-11-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

It was almost 15 years ago that I first heard a Unity minister say to be grateful for things that you haven't received yet. I put it into practice immediately by writing every day that I was grateful for my healthy eating, commitment to abstinence, weight loss, etc. In a couple of months I really was experiencing all those things. It's a beautiful thing when I remember to do this and let go of the time frame and exactly how it works out.

Even more powerful is that I have also learned to express gratitude for things I don't want but have anyway. I don't remember exactly how I came to this practice, I think it might have been after a former student and co-worker told me about discovering that her daughter had been molested and asked me for advice. I have no idea why she thought she should talk to me, she says I just seemed like someone that would know what to do if something horrible happened. Well, because of my unfortunate and unpleasant history I had some experience, strength and hope to share. And I used that experience to help her understand some do's and dont's of the situation. I also recommended a counselor that had been very helpful to me in the recovery process. The minute she walked away from me, tear-streaked but with hope on her face, I realized that finally, some good had come from my worst life experiences and it felt good. In that moment I understood that someone needed to be there to offer help, support and encouragement for her and her little girl.

Does that mean that I like those experiences? NO. Does it mean that I wouldn't change them and how I dealt (or didn't deal) with them? NO. But I saw how one hurt little girl could make the way a little bit better for another and I am grateful for being able to help. Of course, if I were Queen of the universe, such things wouldn't happen but I haven't received that promotion yet.

I think it will be much easier to put on my gratitude list that I'm grateful for my ex not calling me tomorrow; if the worst thing in life can be turned around certainly this break-up can be too. And I'm sure some day I will be able to help someone else and I will be grateful for that opportunity, too.

Sacked or Saved?

2010-08-28T14:57:00.000-04:00

I got sacked, jilted, kicked to the curb and dumped on August 16th. It was a terrible surprise; I didn't see it coming because I was so much in love. Still am. I've been going through all the stages of grief and I keep circling back to shock. Every now and again something reminds me that the relationship is over and that I may never speak to hear from the person that I loved most in the world ever again.
The good news is that I have a good enough memory, if not faith, to know that what I think of as a loss Spirit always proves to be a gain. I have numerous examples of bullets dodged in relationships, jobs, family events etc. I can always look back and see how I would not have gotten the great, better-paying job if I hadn't been laid off from the old job or this new spiritual opportunity if I had stayed in that relationship or how I wouldn't have been able to save money if I hadn't allowed this annoying person to live with me for a few years. It really does all work out in the end for me; it's just not the end yet. Oddly enough for me I am not trying to rush to the end and the next thing; being dumped is kind of a novel experience for me so I've really feeling the whole thing: crying, listening to sappy songs and then posting them on FaceBook so everyone else can share in my misery - sorry guys. But I can't help thinking if I feel this bad now, how awesome am I going to feel on the other side of this? What will it be like when I realize that I was being saved from a relationship that wasn't ever going to be what I wanted it to be or deserved to have with someone that was as much in love with me as I had always been with them? I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet but I know I will eventually; maybe not next week or month or who knows when but I will eventually. In the mean time, I can't help but notice there are some benefits to being single: saving tons of money on tolls, gas, meals out, little gifts (I'm a random gift-giver, no need to wait for a special occasion in my opinion), more time to read, mow the lawn and other various home maintenance/improvement tasks that I have not taken the time to do because I was too busy being in love to be bothered. A little gratitude goes a long way.

Hanging With God

2010-03-14T17:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a friend that you only called when you needed something: help with a project, money, advice on what to do about a work situation or a new relationship? Certainly you had great respect and admiration for this person but did you have a deep, personal relationship with them? Did you ever just hang out for the sake of hanging out with them?
I was shocked to realize that after years of praying, meditating and visualizing that I really did not have a true personal relationship with a God of my understanding. I prayed and meditated for guidance, prosperity, better relationships, the loss of character defects, to know God's will etc. it was always "for" something. I always showed up in need of something or gratitude for my needs being met. Of course I was grateful and expressed my appreciation even before I received what I asked for because, duh, that's the trick to getting more of what I want! I realized when I was given the assignment to practice Unity's Centering Prayer (a daily meditation practice) that I never meditated solely for the sake of being in communion with Spirit. This assignment lasts for 21 days but I'm hoping that by writing this now I'll want to continue the practice.

I'm happy to report that after only a couple of weeks that I am feeling calmer, more connected and I've been less reactive lately. And while I've made it a point NOT to ask for anything specific, per the instructions, I have still received guidance and answers apparently, I didn't need to ask in the first place.

My Not-so-dirty Car

2010-03-02T21:16:00.000-05:00

I saw a magazine blurb about how a dirty car is NOT a sign of prosperity. I didn't even read the article because I already knew that my dirty car was not a sign of good spiritual health either. I wasn't trying to have a dirty car, I was trying to have a clean car. I despertaely wanted to have a clean car. I re-used plastic grocery store bags as trash bags so it's not like garbage was sitting on the seats or the floorboards. But it was accumulating in said bag that I kept under passenger seat. And let's face it, banana peels only smell good when you're actually eating the bananas. I would always have a place to store the trash in the car because I kept extra bags in the car in case the first bag got full before cleaning day. This is really embarassing, but at the end there was actually a kitchen garbage bag shoved under the seat. It dawned on me, finally, that by keeping trash bags in my car I was saying that I was willing to have trash in my car. In fact, I was willing to have the equivalent of a kitchen trash can worth of garbage in my car. As soon as I saw the title of that article I knew what I had to do.

So I took the trash bags out of the car a few weeks ago and now there's no trash in it. Because now I take banana peels, Starbuck's cups, protein bar wrappers etc. out of my car every day, sometimes several times a day if necessary, to keep it clean. I was wanting one thing, a clean car, while allowing trash to accumulate in it until "cleaning day". If I want something, anything, in my life to be better, I have to take actions consistent with what I want and I have to take those actions every day.

Acceptance Instead of Anger

2009-12-31T10:58:00.003-05:00

So what's the opposite of anger? Acceptance, I think. Honestly I'm not really sure so I'm starting with this and seeing how it goes. I prayed, I halfway meditated and the Serenity prayer is what I cam up with so that's what I'm focusing on today. This was going to be a day of finding God in my daily chores but I really think I need get past the anger issue instead. So my acceptance list is already getting long and it isn't even lunch yet. Thus far I've accepted -but I am not necessarily happy with:

being woken up at 6 AM on my day off
being woken up again for various reasons: garbage men, my mother, traffic etc.
oversleeping to make up for all of the above
a less-than enthusiastic feeling about my holiday decorating from 2 years ago (I'm not carrying an old resentment, I only just heard of it)
a very unhappy pouch that wouldn't let me finish breakfast this morning and is even now, delaying my errand running for the day
my NYE plans just not turning out as I had planned or expected - you know what they say about expectations being resentments under construction

My affirmation for today: I will accept the things I cannot change and meet life as it comes without expectations; I may not like it, but I will not waste time, physical or emotional energy on that which is not mine to do.

God at Work

2009-12-30T16:59:00.001-05:00

I didn't do as well as I hoped finding God in my work the other day so I'm trying it again today. Anything worth doing is worth doing over.

I meditated on oneness and prayed to see God's presence and power in my life and in my work today. I prayed that I would remember to look for the Divine in every person's face, hear Spirit in every voice and situation. I prayed that I would come to be not only grateful but also appreciative of this gift I had been given.
If I truly want to be in a more spiritual place then I need to BE more spiritual in everything.

I affirm that I am willing to seek God's presence and power in my work today and in that seeking I will find joy.

Complaint Free Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:55:00.005-05:00

I have declared today my personal complaint free day. You would think that would be fairly easy considering it's a holiday for me but considering hoe non-judgment day went there's a possibility for challenge here. Being complaint free means that I will look upon everything is perfect just as it is and if I don't well, I'll just keep my mouth shut about it. Being complaint-free in my head would be fantastic but I'll settle for just not spreading it around. Because that's an issue all to itself isn't?

Complaining is not just criticizing and judging, it's co-creating more of what we're complaining about. Perhaps not in actual action but if I'm annoyed that someone left the sink full of cold, dirty water than I'm going to see more things to annoy me in the kitchen and maybe I'll notice things in the bathroom and I'll complain more and maybe the person I'm complaining to will chime in with their own. And before you know it, we're wrapped up in the negative energy caused by the complaining itself PLUS the thing that got us started in the first place. I don't want that for anyone.

I hope everyone can be be perfectly happy with their holiday (or Friday, if that's the case) with whatever happens as I endeavor to be free of complaints. I will affirm that everything is perfect just as God made it today.

Non-Judgment Day

2009-12-24T12:26:00.006-05:00

I finally learned how to practice non-judgment during my Unity Prayer Chaplain training. To hear and respond to another's prayer requests one has to be free of judgment of any kind. I learned to just clear away all my thoughts and even my personality so that Spirit could give me the right words. I often thought how helpful it would be if I could meet every situation this way.

When I tried this before my prayer was "I am ready to see the world and everyone in it just as they are without judgement. I accept everything as perfect just as it is."

I must say trying to do this yesterday did not result in the same type of serenity and peace I feel as a prayer chaplain but I still think it was worth doing -maybe a couple of times until get it down pat. It was a little disappointing to realize the number of judgments and criticisms that run through my mind on an hourly basis. On the plus side, I'm happy to report that I didn't voice any of these and responded to them with non-judgmental affirmations. For example, when I was walking over the snow and ice I reminded myself that it was snowy and icy but that's all; I didn't need to apply "slippery and treacherous" to it - how was that going to help me get down the street?

Once I got past the work of affirming past my critical and judgmental thought I enjoyed the exercise of seeing and describing things as "just is"- it was a very settling experience if not one full of exciting spiritual revelations every minute. Sometimes life is like that.

Thank you for everything

2009-12-22T10:16:00.003-05:00

In meditation this morning I was reminded to thank God for everything today. Always a good exercise for me when I find myself wanting to look ahead to a "better life when I..." My spiritual practice says that my better life is always right here and now - not when I get millions of dollars, the perfect partner, a better house and a nicer car. I pass people at the bus stop every day who would be thrilled to have my shiny new red car. I'm sure the homeless in Monroe Park would not complain about the size of my house or the noise from the heater or air conditioner. And while I just recently ended a relationship, I know that many people think it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I'm not sure if I agree with that right this second but I can't argue the quality of my exes. I have been blessed in relationships with wonderful women that taught me much about myself, love and life. And the things I never fantasize about changing are my friends. Not once do I ever think that I need better friends because I already have the best. My life is full of wise, wonderful, caring and supportive people who are also very cool to email and chat on the phone or just hang out with.

So it's been easy and fun for me to create my gratitude list of the people and things in my life that I love (the actual daily lists are much longer than this). But am I willing to thank God for everything today? Well, I'm willing to give it a shot, no matter what happens or doesn't happen today I'm thanking God for it. Even if I don't mean it in the moment I've learned that I'll eventually see the good in most circumstances and that being grateful now manifests more for me to be grateful for later.

Run To, Not From

2009-10-17T17:37:00.000-04:00

I worked so hard to get that design job. The idea of it was perfect: no travel, no training, and an all-design all-the-time structure. I was willing to have my annual bonus cut in half and be dropped down a job level to save my sanity. On the first day of my new job I discovered my new schedule wasn’t as flexible as I was told it would be and the manager seemed to have a real problem with “foreign” doctors. I sent a text to my old manager asking if my job was still open. On the fifth day, one of the trainers made a comment that was at least anti-feminist and at worst, out right anti-gay about a delivery woman we passed in the hall. That was my personal snapping point. Since my old manager hadn’t responded to my text from day one, I emailed her. Long story short, I was back in my old job in nine days –thank you God!

The lesson here? Oh, there were so many it’s hard to know where to start. Maybe it should have been a hint that I tried to apply for this same job two years earlier but it was already filled and I ended up in a different department. I had been offered a lower level position in that same department a few months earlier but didn’t feel right about it. Go figure! I am also embarrassed to say I that I accepted the job as it was offered and when it was offered –big mistake!

Why? Because I was running away not running to something. I was so focused on how this job wasn’t like the things I hated about my old job that I didn’t notice how it was also missing all the things I loved about my old job: flexible scheduling, autonomy, my blackberry and air card, and a manager who trusted me to get the job done without micro-managing.

Running from, bad; running to, good.

Saying Yes to what you want means saying No

2009-05-28T11:17:00.000-04:00

I was recently and annoyingly reminded that I must say “no” to what I don’t want in order to say “yes” to what I do want.

A friend of mine loaned me a book, Eckhart Tolle’s “Practicing the Power of Now” insisting that I needed to read it and that I would absolutely love it. She’s a good friend of mine and well-respected in my spiritual world so she was probably right but I knew wasn’t going to read the book because I didn’t have time. My reading time was taken up by the requirements of my Unity SEE classes, working on my book as well as some random writing projects. What I want is to be able to write full time and take my SEE classes so that I can go to the village and live happily ever after. In order to achieve that goal I’ve chosen to give my personal reading time to the tasks and activities that I believe will get me there quickest. I say “yes” to my homework etc and I say “no” to the personal reading time.

But I didn’t say “no”; I accepted the book, which implied that I would read it when I knew I wasn’t going to. That is also dishonesty, by the way, but I’ll ramble about that another time. I had inadvertently said “yes” to clutter because here was something I was not going to use. What was more annoying was that even after I realized I was never going to read the book, I carried it around in my car for months with the intention of giving it back to her but didn’t. And one fateful day I somehow tossed the book into the back seat near the laundry bag and, you guessed it, washed the book. Arggh! - more annoyance. Now I had to replace a book I didn’t even get to read. I try to be a responsible person: if I wreck your stuff, I’ll repair or replace it. That’s a “yes” to the kind of person I want to be.

I like to think I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve had several opportunities to say “no” to things I didn’t want: food, alcohol, new friendships, outings and stuff, lots of stuff. People like to give me stuff but if I’m not going to use it or appreciate it then, you know, it’s what George Carlin calls it and I don’t need any more of that.

Include Silence

2009-05-04T21:22:00.000-04:00

I was attending a meeting in a traditional Christian church, (and not giving it my full attention, I’ll admit) when out of the corner of my eye I saw written “include silence”. It was on a dry-erase board and the word “silence” was double underlined. I was shocked; I couldn’t believe it. So, of course, I had to read over the whole board to figure out what was going on –were they talking about silence as in meditation or did they just have rambunctious kids in their services?

From what I could figure out from the other comments, it seemed that they were trying to improve their services. Did they really mean silence the way I had come to understand it? What I understand that to be is the purest form of meditation possible. For me, to be in the silence is to be free of emotion, free of concerns about my physical body, free of mind chatter and internal judgments. Funny how I had been slacking off and missing out on such a great spiritual experience.

I took this as a reminder to get back on my daily meditation bandwagon. I know that people have lots of opinions about meditation and meditation practices but I know for sure that I feel better, I perform my job better and I am just better in general when I meditate every day. I could see this in the daily journal I kept while working on my book last year: my entries became more positive and hopeful over the course of the 30 days. I just returned from a great meditative weekend and those 2 days have made a great difference in my life already. I enjoyed a Monday morning at work, solved every problem on my radar and finished my to-do list for the day. I wasn’t trying to be super-productive, it just works out that way when I’m “meditated-up”.

Trust your instincts

2009-03-29T13:08:00.001-04:00

I started a lovely Sunday morning with sleeping in, a short visualization session, breakfast and... a parking ticket. Well, there went a beautiful day shot to you-know-where. Because of course I got all irritated and angry and grr-grr-grry about the forty dollars this was going to cost me and the people parked illegally across the street didn’t have tickets how come I did? And on and on it went for a coupe of hours until I had to ask myself “What are you really mad about?”

What I’m really mad about is that I didn’t trust my instincts; I took someone else’s advice instead of doing what I know to be true for me. I won’t say I do this all the time but I do seem to be suddenly very aware of it. Whenever someone says “Oh don’t worry about it, everybody parks illegally there and they never get ticketed or towed,” I should worry. I’m not comfortable with breaking the rules because I get caught! Frankly, I think the reason I get caught is because I know it’s wrong and I feel guilty and surround myself with that negative energy. What’s worse is that I had the thought several times last night to move car to a legal space around the corner (God-forbid I should have to walk a block in the city!).

This may turn out to be an inexpensive lesson if this finally makes me follow my own heart and trust myself. I know that the city’s trying every way it can to raise revenue and that there’ll be more tickets given out now then there were 6 months ago; I made that point to someone else just 2 weeks ago. Funny isn’t it how I didn’t take my own advice? But maybe this is it. Maybe this is the last straw. What if from this point on I believe myself over someone else? What if from here on out, I listen to that small voice in myself that suggests I do the uncomfortable or unpopular thing that is also be the right thing for me?

Yes, I can afford it

2009-03-24T21:27:00.005-04:00

I bought a new car two Saturdays ago and I hate it. It’s not the brand I wanted, it’s not my first choice of colors, the trunk is smaller than my old car, it only has 1 adapter in it, I could go on but I won’t. It’s not at all what I wanted so I got angry. I threw a mental tantrum because I couldn’t have exactly what I wanted because I couldn’t afford it. I verbalized my lack of love with the new car for about three days. I’m not sure how my friends felt about it, but I started to annoy myself because like it or not, this was the car I needed and bought. I’d driven the thing off the lot; it was mine.

The new car fits comfortably into my price range, the dealership took my worthless trade as a down payment and no one held a gun to my head to buy it. I do not easily part with thousands of dollars so I cannot be pressured into buying anything, ever. I really needed to get over my “I can’t have exactly what I want because I can’t afford it” whine.

Because I could have had exactly what I wanted and I could too, afford it. I could have bought my first choice car if I’d been willing to use my entire tax refund as a down payment, have a monthly car payment that was three times the amount I was accustomed to paying and not have any monthly savings. I wasn’t willing to do that. I could have even had the second choice car if I’d been willing to drive to the next little town down the turnpike, put a thousand dollars down and pay a hundred sixty-nine dollars more a month. I wasn’t willing to do that, either. Are you beginning to see a pattern here?

I can afford anything I want if I’m willing to make the trade-offs and do some things differently. Since I started my process last year, I no longer use the phrase “I can’t afford it” because it’s not true for me anymore. For one thing, my wants and desires are just not that big. Plus, I’m an intelligent, highly-employable person; if my wants get bigger I can turn my attention to accumulating more money and stuff. But I’d rather turn my attention to appreciating the shiny new red car I already have.

God Sense: Spiritual Awareness

2009-03-15T20:53:00.002-04:00

I thought I had coined that phrase myself until I Googled it and discovered someone else had used it back in 1998 or thereabouts to describe the feeling one gets when awed by nature and the knowing that there is something out there larger than yourself. I actually think of that God sense as another innate sense like vision, hearing etc. that all human beings possess. I believe that we are all spiritual people and that we all have a connection to the Divine (or whatever you would like to call it) through our God sense. And, like our other senses, it can be limited or improved by our actions and that of others. This I know to be true because I've tried it myself.

Last year I decided to spend a month focusing on increasing my God sense, or if you prefer: my awareness of a higher power that I have come to call God. I meditated, prayed, said affirmations, kept a journal, and completed a daily task -every day. I told friends what I was doing and listened to descriptions of their own spiritual experiences and took some of their suggestions on how I could re-create them for myself. And it worked! By the end of the 30 days I felt a greater sense of peace, clarity, confidence and an indescribable sense of I'm really not sure what to call it: power? strength? There really isn't enough time or space or words to convey the feeling, but believe me when I say it was great.

So now I am going to use this blog to get my act together and turn my journal into a book so that others can join me on this journey to greater spiritual awareness and increase their God sense. I plan to write a little about the book (sneak previews for followers) and a lot about the process of getting it together. I look forward to hearing other people's thoughts, suggestions etc as I go along.